Health Journey Partner Pillows

'Yes, a diet can cause stress, especially if it's your husband's.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

Dieting Motivation.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Men's Health Screenings.

Attack of the 'health' foods

"I’d like to return my Fitbit—It won’t stop calling me a lazy piece of sh*t."

"You're just a shell of your former self. You need to improve your diet."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

"We're looking for a 5000 step walk."

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

Scales

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"If you follow my orders and break those bad habits, you'll be in as good a shape as you've never been."

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

"Until we get more employees to join, we'll just have to roll with the paunches."

Gym. Whatever weight I manage to lose here I always seem to find on my way home. Donuts.

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'