Health Journey Navigator Gifts

'We cured your cigarette addiction, but you now need treatment for nicotine patch addiction.'

'That's not what I had in mind when I asked for some encouragement!'

A large woman smiles, as she notices that a slimming club's exit door is only half as wide as the entrance door.

'Yeah, I quit smoking, but now I'm addicted to nicotine patches.'

'Holding in your stomach won't help, sir.'

Woman and scales.

'Diets don't work for me...the only way I can keep my mind off food is eating.'

'I know what you mean. It's like, inside there's this happy, attractive, thin, fun person just dying to get out.'

Weight Loss Cheat.

"Ideally, I'd like to get my body back to its factory settings."

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

Dieting Motivation.

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

"We're looking for a 5000 step walk."

Scales

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"You're just a shell of your former self. You need to improve your diet."

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Attack of the 'health' foods

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

"I’d like to return my Fitbit—It won’t stop calling me a lazy piece of sh*t."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'