Health Insurance Gifts

'Your health plan covers everything but your deductible is equal to your net worth.'

'My teeth are all my own. They cost me a fortune.'

'Yes, we do have a group health plan. When everyone has the same symptoms, you all go as a group to see the doctor!'

"This medication may interact with paying your rent and being able to afford cable."

'I'm sorry, but medical science still knows very little about high-deductible insurance.'

"Unfortunately there's no HMO for what you have"

'All this cutting edge diagnostic imaging equipment and we still can't see through all of these new ACA requirements!'

'We're introducing a LARGE new dental plan.'

"Now here's a difficult case. Her vitals are strong, but her HMO is weak."

"Having a new patient with all your ailments, Mr. Shneeburg, is almost like winning the lottery."

'I'm afraid neither your insurance nor your immune system will cover it.'

'I give you five years but your insurance company gives you one.'

"This is about all I have in your price range."

"We have a great medical plan. It covers everything!"

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"Do you cover hypochondria?"

"Williams, you're now eligible for the company dental plan. It's a proactive one-time total extraction event..."

"I can't offer you a dowry, but I can get you on my health plan."

"I made a grave error at your last visit - my bill was $50 too low."

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"Umbrella, chair, sunscreen - all paid for by my Silver Flip Flops health insurance program."

"I do have a treatment that'll cure you. But if I tell you the cost you'll die of a heart attack."

"Doctor, does my policy cover little sharp arrows?!"

"Stick out your tongue and your wallet."

"To keep our health insurance rates down, we now require employees to walk around in a sterile bubble."

"And remember, kid, you've got Blue Cross."

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'I also examined you for insurance but didn't find any.'

'I'm just praying that your financial condition isn't contagious.'

'I'm supposed to check you vitals, so I'll need to know if you can pay.'

'The data are surprising. We found that intensive billing can cure a lot of ailments.'

'Heart attack? Considering our health plan, I'd go straight to the E.R. - early retirement.'

'Says here that you lost that tooth while in a human-eating frenzy. Sorry sir, but accidents occuring during 'food-for-fun' are not covered under your dental plan.'

'I'm sorry, your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing conditions or post-existing conditions.'

Man toasting man: 'To our health insurers.'