Health Detective Gifts

'I couldn't diagnose this ailment on the internet, so I was forced to come to you.'

Hypochondriac at two computers. One reads 'Internet diagnosis', other says 'Second opinion'.

Science and Coronavirus

'There's something wrong here. You have all these risk factors, and yet you're in excellent health.'

'Wow! Well this certainly rules out hypochondria!'

'But surely if I'm convinced I'm a hypochondriac that makes me one?'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

"Mr. Bermudez passed out and hit his head, but that'll heal."

"No contraband, but I found a small tumor right here."

"Test results are back - you have...everything."

"Doctor, your medicine makes me very aggressive!"

"Another day, another good chance they'll find something hazardous to my health."

We've got all the tests back and I can give you a 100 guarantee that we are positive we have no idea what's wrong with you!

Health food disguised as junk foodjunk food disguised as health food.

'This could end up costing a lot more than I thought -- your disease is psychocomatic!'

Did you know....Diseases are not caused by corporate chemicals in processes, products or waste!!

'We thank you for giving us the ability to genetically alter, irradiate and microwave this wonderful food.'

"The doctor thinks I'm a hypochondriac. That makes me sick."

Too bad Desmond had never learned to recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack.

"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"Our war is against cancer."

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Disease Management

Critisize your weight.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Secretive Weigh In.

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."