Health Data Geek Pillows

'It has my horoscope, my heart rate, and my cholesterol level.. but I'm sorry, I don't have the time.'

The Cougher

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

'Is this still America?'

"Note the spike here, when the state legalized marijuana."

Us. Everyone else. My research shows that we are the only statistics company sill using pie charts displayed on an easel.

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

"I hate it when the palcebo does better than the drugs we're testing."

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Man stabbed by fallin arrow on wall chart.

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

'Look at these accident statistics. What can't the government do something about it?'

"Sorry darling, you can't go for a kill tonight. It's census night, it would mess up the data!"

"If it weren't for you, we'd have nothing in the cloud."

The Pie Chart of Mystery

Hold on - it may take a few minutes for his new pacemaker to sync with his Fitbit.

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

'Suzy, I hate to break the news to you like this, but there's a good reason why your new boyfriend doesn't fit in amongst the townsfolk too well...Yes Suzy. He's a Notorious Outlier.'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'The nation is evenly divided again...the red states, Atkins Diet...the blue states, South Beach.'

"Let's not politicize how screwed we are."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

Sales of Viagra

'Don't worry about the workload. The boss upgraded the computer.'

'I take it that when you went on your 'spot reduction' diet, this wasn't what you had in mind?'

'Punxsutawney Phil says six more weeks of winter, everybody!'

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

Body weight app on mobile

'He's a very good doctor, and I trust him, but I must confess that I always double check his diagnosis on Google.'

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'