Health Data Junkie Pillows

Body weight app on mobile

'You've hit the fitness plateau.'

"What's that mark on your arm, Mama?"

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'Rap sheets! All the latest criminal stats! Get your rap sheets here!'

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

Woman with exercise bike

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

'Boys, the team statistician will now explain why our record of 23 wins and 59 losses is very, very good.'

Gym workout.

'All I'm saying, Sweetheart, is that maybe you're not quite ready for the advanced yoga class!'

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"That's what I like about you, Abrams, you don't let a little illness keep you off the job."

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

'It has been one of those days when every patient has read the same medical article in Reader's Digest.'

Data Hoarders

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

Intensive billing unit

'The Electronic Health Records software works very well. I entered the patient's medications, vitals, and allergies. The software calculated the course of treatment, projected outcome, and anticipate insurance reimbursement.'

All this binge eating and rinking I'm doing is making me really fat so I'll need a full check-up in July 2006 - GPs must provide advance bookings.

'I love this RX site - I can look up prices for all of my unaffordable medicine around town!'

I'm telling you, this standing-on-your-head workout will add hours to your life.

'Your problem is quite simple. Millions of people have. But the medical profession has no answer for it.'

"The trick is to bite them just after they've been to the gym: You get good, well oxygenated blood..."

'I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got...'

"You're not covered since breathing is considered a pre-existing condition."

"And this new set of polls tracks people's reactions to our last set of polls."

Spanish Unemployment

"I'm referring you to another doctor's YouTube channel."