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"The population is 40% overweight and you seem to account for 20% on your own."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

'I apologize, Mr. Wilson, that scream wasn't very professional of me. . . But that IS one ugly growth on your chest!'

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

Orthopaedist

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

Golf cart in the hospital.

Miss Twaddle, cancel all my appointments.

"Your cholesterol level is through the roof, you've got a nasty case of gingivitis, and to ice things off... yeast confection."

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'I try to watch what I eat, but my eyes aren't always fast enough...'

'For Valentine's Day!'

'Disease is inevitable. My advice is to find an illness you can live with...'

"If it wasn't for my Hippocratic oath, you'd be dead by now."

"Now where was I?"

"In hospital I received ten 'get well soon' cards...from the nurses."

"The 'intervention' got out of hand."

"Can we cut down his tranquilisers please?"

"If these don't make you feel better in a week you can come back here and kick my arse."