Health Buffoon Pillows

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"I hope you are enjoying the walk..."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"It's good you're avoiding radioactive pieces of your destroyed home planet that deprive you of your superpowers... but you should also watch the sodium."

'He's fine, it's only man flu not swine flu.'

'Those fish-oil treatments doing your arthritis any good?'

"You're too sedentary."

Looking at magnetic polarity one understands why an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

"Costs have risen by 200% and we are behind schedule. We are living up to our acronym gentlemen and I am not happy about it!!"

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"I've just overheard the doctor say the farmer has the flu! We all know what that means: chicken soup!"

So, have you had this 'human flu' yet?

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"Can't talk now. Cramming for tomorrow's stress test."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

Zika Mosquitos

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

'Bovine Growth Hormone.'

'Don't look at me like that! I know it's a banned substance, OK? But how can I compete if I'm the only one in the league not using spinach?!'

Vaccinating the Easter Bunny

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

'Gasp! Wheez! Nobody told me that once you have a heart you also need cardio!'

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

Gym. Stay young through diet and exercise. I find it much easier to just lie about my age.

This guy smells like he just got the Covid vaccine. Do you think it's safe to bite him?

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

'It's some sort of side effect of swine flu!'

"The good news is your weight and cholesterol are stable. The bad news is the research has changed."

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

Doctor to man: 'Laughter is the best medicine, but it's not covered in your health plan.'