Health And Wellness Observer Gifts

'You're obese.'

Why do I need a CAT scan? I just had a whole body scan at the airport, and the agent said everything was okay.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'Long shift?'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

Toxic Waste Lorry/Toxic Additives Lorry

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"According to these latest tests, anything can cause anything."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

"I'm writing to mother to let her know how you're doing.Is deathbed one word or two?"

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'Now watch carefully. You can learn from my mistakes.'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

Weight Loss Clinic: 100% guaranteed.

"Wot? No toilet paper?"

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

You look tired, Rudy. Nah, I'm actually not tired. Why don't you go take a break. I'll man the counter for you. That's ok, Uncle Mort. Look at those bags beneath your eyes. And … are those wrinkles I see there? Did you know you age faster if you don't sleep? I'm on to you, Uncle Mort. You want me to step away so you can fix yourself an Espresso. Your doctors said no caffeine. You sound paranoid, Rudy. You're seeing duplicity everywhere. That's a symptom of sleep deprivation. I'm just thinking ab

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

GPs asked to solve rising obesity levels..."I read in the papers that I'm fat and you've got to sort it out!"

"Those bullet holes are something new, aren't they?"

'It's Mrs Yomp - she can't remember if she should take the aspirin first and call you in the morning, or call you first, then take the aspirin...'

'You're fine.'

Next! (liposuction specialist)