Headline Reader Gifts

"Baseball is boring."

Everything is so terrible. . . you can't laugh about it anymore!

"I can't say I'm all that surprised. . ."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Mom, I'm bored. Do you know something I can get hysterical and panicky about?"

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Fear of news.

Newspaper suicide.

'Yes, they were using it to clean up the graffiti!'

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

Cameron uncomfortable hanging out with his inquisitor.

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

News for Sale

Big Newspaper Delivery

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

The Expert

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

'How fast can you hype?'

'You fancy yourself as a press baron, don't you?'

"And remember, people, it's better to light a scandal than to curse the darkness!"

'The pound looks strong to day. Yes, against the Zambesi bean.'

News Headline Reads - 'Man Bites Feral Media'.

"Things happen so fast. What's news when class starts is history when it ends."

'You were convicted by the jury, but at least you were acquitted by the media.'

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

"Here's what went wrong today."

"Now here's my co-anchor, Nancy, with a conflicting account of that very same story."

'Your job, Richards, is to make sure that my name never appears in a headline alongside the word 'siphoned.''

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

Magazine stand in middle of the desert.

'Inflated gloom!'