Halloween Gourmet T-Shirts

"I swear, you won't be able to tell the difference, plus, turkey eye of newt is much healthier for you."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Needs salt!'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

To do before Saturday...

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Is this still America?'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Holiday Supplies

Cheese

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

'Cooking'

"The bagels are better in New York."