Guru Wannabe Pillows

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'I'm sure I could lie on my back waving my feet in the air if I could play the saxophone.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'I'm with the band.'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

Family Barbecue

"The Great Source keeps afloat, along with a little help from the sharks there."

"Ohhh... He's out all right!"

'My guru thinks you're nuts.'

Wisdom for dummies

'I'll be in Florida for the winter, but I've sublet my cave to a pair of nice Mormon missionaries.'

"It's worth a try! Maybe someone up there knows how to fold a fitted bedsheet!"

"I am a ninja rabbit. I am stealth personified. I am one of the unseen. I am now invisible...Darn."

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

"Don't patronize me. Nobody cares what I think anymore. Go ask Dr. Phil."

"Whoa, whoa, big guy with all your ‘meaning of life’ mumbo jumbo—I just want my kid to pick up her room."

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

"Sorry - just getting back from a guru retreat."

There's no way you could have attained Nirvana already — you don't even have hemorrhoids yet.

"Excruciating boredom, my son, is the beginning of wisdom."

"You know, enlightenment and mustache wax don't really go together."

Next Wise Man Please.

Dial-A-Prayer and Dial-A-Mantra