Guilt Guru Pillows

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Man! I hate to think of what the collective guilt adds up to around here!"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Edgar Allen Poe

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

It is essential not to overcrowd a tank as this can cause serious problems...

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

You gotta hand it to the old man, he still knows how to motivate!

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

'Since we all have to believe in something, I thought, 'Why not money?''

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

Punkins

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

OM, SWEET OM

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

"I make money, therefore I am."

Edgar Allan Poe

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

Life is ghoul

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."