Guest Room Guru Pillows

Mattress sale

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

'You're using 14' nails on a 2' door? This is definitely a case where bigger is not better.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'And when you're done here honey, I have a nice periwinkle picked out for the foyer!'

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

The Venus Flytrap Leather Sectional

'Right about here I added a drip coffee maker, with high caffeine premium blend coffee, to the employee break room.'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"It's a lot of work, but we've decided to renovate this old factory."

I'm organizing the house. Can I help? Do you have any storage bins for stuff we don't use very often? Hold on. I have just the thing! Thanks, mom.

"Yes, but I'll know it's a recliner."

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

Bishops Snooker

Excess Baggage: Sooner or later all those vacation bills come due.

Over 50 shades of grey available.

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

House for sale - some assembly required.

"We're looking for something more over-the-couch-ish."

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

Spring Cleaning

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

'Why not Google it?'

"Namaste."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

Man buys 'Do It Yourself' helper.

'That'll be $50 plus $200 to repair the damage you made trying to fix it yourself.'

Planning permission REFUSED...