Guaranteed Auctioneer T-Shirts

'Undamaged, it would have been worth a small fortune...'

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

'Going...Going...Gone! Sold to the lady with more money than sense.'

Invisible clothes

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It's amazing what you can get on e-Bay these days.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

"It's a forgery―and a recent one, too."

"It's called 'Sold'."

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

The Derby- Horse Auction at Tattersall's

"I got it from eBay."

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

Moderne Auction Today - This end up!

The Battle of the Pictures.

Titanic iceberg auction

I think you just paid £5000 for cricket box, not a box at the cricket.

'Of course, some assembly is required. That's why my bid was so low.'

'Enough EBAY already!'

'Now, what am I bid for this original Ough?'

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

Leonardo da Vinci painting - $450 million record.

"... $3 million, I have $3 million. Can I get $4 million? Yes, $4 million ..."

'It sold for how much!'

'Now, a real collectable to bid on: a signed first edition of The First History of the World.'

'Actually, I'm here just for the wine and cheese.'