Art Auctioneer T-Shirts

"It's a forgery―and a recent one, too."

"That reminds me, I must buy a new shredder."

Larry's used art

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think he was a celebrity."

'Going...Going...Gone! Sold to the lady with more money than sense.'

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

Misunderstood artist

E-Baying @ The Moon

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

'I highly recommend this painting if you're interested in art as an investment.'

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'Today, the dollar gained against the euro, pound, yen, yuan, the Picasso, Degas, and the Warhol.'

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'... Going once...going twice...aaaand--sold! To the gentleman in the front row for a thousand words.'

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

"It may well be a hugely significant example of early 18th century Flemish art...but as head of merchandising I have to ask 'What would it look like on a fridge magnet?'"

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

An early Picasso painting is sold at auction - it is a painting from when Picasso was a child

"Twenty-five thousand, do I hear thirty thousand? Let me remind you all - this is the last Thin Mint cookie in the sleeve..."

"I'm sorry, honey. I thought you'd be happy that your germ-ridden blanket was such a hit on eBay."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

"It's called 'Sold'."

"My two-year-old actually did paint that."

"I want to see it as art, but I keep asking myself 'is it really grocery?'"

"I got it from eBay."

The Derby- Horse Auction at Tattersall's

"This artist's very successful. And he's not even dead."

Thank you for deferring your response.

The Battle of the Pictures.

Less is more.

'I can't tell the kitch from the schlock any more.'

"Here we have an all natural rock – before being artistically processed and stripped of its natural richness."

"I detect an accent – money?"

"I'm sorry, I can't assist with this request."