Grumpy Hotline Hater Pillows

'If this is the conflict resolution hotline, why are you ticking me off??!!

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

I'm sorry, all our angels are busy at the moment. Please hold and your prayers will be answered in the order it was received.

Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.

'It's a bloody-cross-breed.'

'Oh good! - I hate long lines!'

Old Man Journal

Meeting at the Grumpy Old Men's Pub.

"You have a certain kind of charm, haven't you, Mr. Beadle? Well, that's all right. I'm not totally opposed to charm."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Grumpy Old Men

'Kids get right up my nose!'

"If you're going out, pick up some candles."

"To be perfectly honest, Tarquin, I get fed up listening to your stories about 'the good old days'."

'It's not just drugs - Fenton has zero tolerance for everything!'

'Thank you for calling the Zepco mattresses hotline...'

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're getting grumpier.'

Grumpy old men: I was an nwanted child, even my mother left me before I was born.

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

'The problem with politics is politicians!'

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

'I'm just opening him now. Stand by and I will give you a detailed description of what I find inside your husband...uh...hello?'

"No one whose name is pronounced that way lives here."

'Thank you for contacting The Pearly Gates. Your call may be monitored for training purposes...'

'I have just initiated your computer's auto destruct countdown.'

'I see your Alan's got his Christmas face on again.'

"Personally, I think it should read 'next misery guts'."

"I'd tell you all about the upcoming election, but I don't want to depress you."

"I'll have a nice day when I get damn good and ready."

Miserable hour - Come in and moan about the price...

"If you have a touch tone telephone, please choose from the following 12,847 options. . ."

Scrooge Tells Santa to Bugger Off.

"Look. I'll get to your problem as soon as it coincides with my problem."

'You're ticking me off!'

"Your call will be deleted in the order it was received."