Grumpy Grandparent Pillows

'I'm not here!'

"Not coming then? You wouldn't even come to your own funeral, you!"

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

The Busy Gardener

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

The Zoo.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Catching Jeffrey To Change His Diaper.

The Baby Walker

'Ahhh...'

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Look Mommy, hat!"

'I told you it would be useful.'

Paul Klee

Baby Piano

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

My First Camera

'OK, now let's be careful out there.'

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."