Grudge Philosopher Pillows

'You make 23,725 little mistakes, they never let you forget it.'

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Reverse psychology

Monday: Next 7 exits.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class and you said I'd never amount to anything.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"With the benefit of hindsight, I’d say no, Ed, it wasn’t ‘funny’ letting him steer the boat!"

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

'I could have made money in the stock market if I had only found the right 'How to invest' book...'

"Ted's been down in the dumps since they started giving greed a bad name."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Nice try, but I'm still angry."

"That's an old wives' tale. Money does make you happy!"

"It Works For Us."

'New! - 'Fuel Price Rage' counselor on duty.'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

Phrenology - Braille Edition.

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian."

I lactate, therefore I am.

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"