Grocery Shopping Expert Pillows

'I lost the grocery list you gave me. So I brought home a few weeks supply of pizza.'

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

Domestic Superheroes!!

"Good For You / Bad For You"

'No Renee, not until you get two degrees, pass a rigorous physical, and beat out thousands of other qualified individuals.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

Twenty-first century baby walker

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

Important Food Groups

"I want some long, thin square ones - for chips..."

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

'If by 'great', you mean 'terrible', then yes, we have plenty of great beers for under $4.00 a six-pack.'

Instant Laundry Detergent, 'Just add water'.

Dad Trophies

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Wait, what are you doing?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Everything's gone up."

'I love this supermarket; they have the easiest to understand wine department.'

"I know I should have gotten a cart, but I can't give up now."

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'Do we have any alligator pears?'

Witches Checkout.

Unusual Offers

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

'Diet considerations.'

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

Apple section of supermarket - 'Granny Smith's'.

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"They have oat fiber, wheat fiber, and rice fiber, but no moral fiber."

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'