Grief Analyst Pillows

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Postcards from Heaven...

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

'It's ok, sir, we'll put you in touch with one of our grief counselors.'

'Earth became too small. I had to opt for a bigger planet for hell.'

"On your previous visit you were describing how you were unable to express grief at the death of your first dog, Ranger. Please continue."

Damned if you do...

"I hope your day is going bad."

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

Hedgehog Mortuary.

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

The final stage of grief is acceptance. And the inevitable long and rambling acceptance speech.

'So do I get the job or not?'

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

Possible Merger Talks

'Touching.'

"I'm expecting easy confirmation."