Grief Analyst Pillows

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

"My wife and I handle our own finances. I'm an accountant and she's a grief counselor."

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

Postcards from Heaven...

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

'I bought winter tyres and it didn't snow.'

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"On your previous visit you were describing how you were unable to express grief at the death of your first dog, Ranger. Please continue."

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Earth became too small. I had to opt for a bigger planet for hell.'

'It's ok, sir, we'll put you in touch with one of our grief counselors.'

Hedgehog Mortuary.

"Sure, it's disrespectful, but knowing old scamp, he'd want us to dig up his bones."

Damned if you do...

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

"You didn't fill out our customer survey."

'Hell grew too large for earth. I had to relocate it to a larger planet.'

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

'So do I get the job or not?'

....Today the new economic forecasts get published...and that means we have to work overtime...sorry.

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

Possible Merger Talks

"Your brochure led me to believe it'd have a more temperate climate."