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Vegetarian Nightmare.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Counting ribs

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

The Environmentalist

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

But is it organic?

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

French wine

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

"Can you romance me after my tiramisu?"

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

'You realize we're only having three people over...'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"Deep-dish pizza calls for deep-glass beer."