Grants Guru Pillows

"Sure, you can buy them another round, but is this really how you want to spend your MacArthur Grant?"

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

Peephole in a pile of presents (colour).

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

Van Gogh was starting to run out of gift ideas.

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

"He's the chief watchdog, who watches over all the other watchdogs—but this must be his night off."

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

To Err Is Human, to Mess up Big-Time Is Democratic

At the 2021 Religious Games

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Kirsten Johnson

Guru.

Santa called but you were out!

Sybil Obama

"We may have to rob from the rich AND the poor."

"Do you ever have days when you can't seem to rise above petty politics?"

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

Best Seller in Washington D.C.: Politics for dummies

Government and Opposition

It's a busy mother's day down there! The glucose molecule got his mom a box of sweets, the histamine brought flowers ... A sodium atom got bath salts, and the genes had a family portrait taken. Frank, the neuron didn't get a gift for his mother. No, he didn't but he always sends a nice message!

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

'I don't believe it - if this evidence is correct it'll rock the very foundations of our research grant application.'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'