Goofballs Gifts

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

Shoot For The Moon

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

The Deaths take a selfie.

"The world revolves around my cat."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

'The special today is scraps.'

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

I'm with stupid.

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

Time-space portal

(Can't) Count Dracula.

Man is preparing pizza by the slice.

'More Christmas anyone?'

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.

"Is the Black Cherry Vanilla Beer Coolie any good? That depends on your lack of taste."

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

'I hope you replace your divots!'

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'