Goofballs Gifts

'I'm sorry, Mr. President, he can't come to the phone right now...he's doing that crazy hand jive.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Honestly sometimes I'd like to pretend I don't know you!"

Shoot For The Moon

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

The Deaths take a selfie.

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'Irwin! Get your elbow up!...Good! Now twirl the bat, lift your foot up, put one hand on top of your helmet, stick out your tongue and hop like a rabbit.'

'The special today is scraps.'

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

I'm with stupid.

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'

Man is preparing pizza by the slice.

'Now say cheese,no,not YOU!'

(Can't) Count Dracula.

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.

'More Christmas anyone?'

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

"Is the Black Cherry Vanilla Beer Coolie any good? That depends on your lack of taste."

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'

Turtle bumps turtle: 'WHIPLASH!'

'Do not even think about it, Ron!'