Going Through A Divorce Gifts

Customer sees sign on Bridal Shop window: Closed while I'm getting a divorce.

"Don't be so glum, Mr.Lee. These days over one in three marriages end in divorce. Try looking at it another way. You're lucky, - all the other ones end in death!"

'My husband is becoming suspicious.'

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"They're having a trial separation."

"And should you get divorced, promise you won't sue me."

Well, if being married isn't grounds for divorce, I'd like to know what is"

'You did what during his backswing?'

How can I divorce my wife? Sue her for incompatibility. I would if I could catch her at it!

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

"I hear you're getting a divorce."

Outside the Divorce Court.

"I'm suing him for divorce.And I'm naming her as co-respondent!"

'I hope Mom and Dad get back together. I miss the hypocrisy.'

'Your ex-wives are on lines one through six.'

'Let's play house. You can be my ex-husband.'

'My divorce comes through in six months... with good behavior.'

'While you're at it, could you grant me a new identity?'

Divorce Lawyer - "I have a SPLITTING headache."

"I've asked my husband for a divorce. . . he hasn't texted back yet."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"