Gofundme Guru Pillows

"Perhaps the gentleman would rather contribute in the privacy of my GoFundMe page."

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

GAS PRICES AT PUMP

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

The best financial decision I ever made.

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

"He's the chief watchdog, who watches over all the other watchdogs—but this must be his night off."

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

To Err Is Human, to Mess up Big-Time Is Democratic

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

A Day In The Kitchen

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"I'm teaching him to rollover my 401 (k)."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"But if you change your system preferences to match mine, is it really love?"

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

'The Fed decided today not to raise or lower interest rates, but instead just moved them sideways a little.'

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'I know you're looking for a safe investment but have you ever heard of anyone getting wealthy investing in a bank account?'

Sybil Obama

'Sleep deprivation's the least of my worries; I can't get these amortisation bluebells to frangipane...'

"We may have to rob from the rich AND the poor."

"Careful! He knows computers."

'You keep outliving your old-age retirement savings!'

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

Money god