Gofundme Guru Pillows

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

GAS PRICES AT PUMP

'His best qualities are circumventing questions and evading answers.'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

'You realize, we can't use the 'benign neglect' method for everything.'

The best financial decision I ever made.

Washington D.C., Acronym Capital of the World

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

"He's the chief watchdog, who watches over all the other watchdogs—but this must be his night off."

"... And to our friends in the Liberal Democratic party I award thirty pieces of silver."

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

A Day In The Kitchen

"I'm teaching him to rollover my 401 (k)."

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"But if you change your system preferences to match mine, is it really love?"

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'The Fed decided today not to raise or lower interest rates, but instead just moved them sideways a little.'

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'I know you're looking for a safe investment but have you ever heard of anyone getting wealthy investing in a bank account?'

"We may have to rob from the rich AND the poor."

"Careful! He knows computers."

'You keep outliving your old-age retirement savings!'

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

"Every time dad checks the stock market, he does that weird thing with his mouth."

Money god