Gloomy Philosopher T-Shirts

"I don't know why I bother coming to all these commemorations - none of them will come to mine."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"How do you know if you're really in love, Randy?"

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

"It Works For Us."

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

Edgar Allan Poe

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

An doomsayer stands at a waterfalls' edge.

The end is near.

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

I lactate, therefore I am.

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'