Gloating Guru T-Shirts

"I love your gloat."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"If the economy's ground to a halt, we can help by carrying on shopping."

"Please don't kill me."

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

How to cope in Los Angeles vs. New York

"Carpe pizza"

'Don't blame the lawyer!'

Angler sees sign that says 'Good Spot'. He says, 'This looks like a good spot.'

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

Modern Witch Shoppe

"First you make a roux."

'You're looking well.'

"Any improvement since I brought the balloon?"

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

A tureen of chefs

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'Turkey again! It's the sixth of January... Just how big was that flaming bird?!'

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

Card: Get Human Soon!

"Namaste."

Cleaning the Horse

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'Did anyone save a stomach for dessert?'