Gift For Your Employee Gifts

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

"Staff support"

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

"They've hiked up our targets again...I'm going to have to put in some overtime to have any chance of meeting them!"

"Actually, the district office is getting better results with a fresh garlic bagel."

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

STRIP Hambone: Fix it yourself

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

Never.....teach your dog to fly.

'Okay, okay, be patient!'

"I think it stopped breathing."

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

Though Mr. Frackman had yet to say a word, Bill sensed he was about to receive a particularly lousy performance review.

'Would you all please congatulate...'

"We value your input, but all your suggestions involve more play-time, naps and treats."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'I'm a bit pressed for time. Give me your one-minute elevator pitch.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"I go that extra mile!"

"I misjudged you Fenton. I thought you were a 'mover and shaker' but all the time you were just bobbing and weaving."

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'I tried that approach once, but my employees seized the carrots and attacked me with sticks.'

"I like this Carl, you've come up with more solutions than we have problems."