Gift Distribution Detective Pillows

'No government funding? No corporate support? Just what kind of ponzi scheme are you running?'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

'I see you've found a cure of the 'new car fever'.'

"Yes, we've accepted late deliveries before... but 75 years!!!"

"C'mon, get up...it's Christmas! Let's go! There's presents to open!"

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

Style

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

'You want to insure it? --Just exactly what are you implying, buster?'

X-Raying Christmas Presents

"No matter what one says, a safe remains a good way to keep your money safe."

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

"Christ on a bike. Again. Again with the electric shaver."

'Another stupid ball of string. I was hoping for a tablet."

"This is the time of the year when you really have to stay on your toes about being good."

"Snowman 1 to snowman 3... UPS delivery complete... FedEx approaching fast... Amazon not in sight... Over!"

'On second thoughts I'm sure you'd make an excellent store detective, Mr Hodgson.'

"Happy birthday!"

"Yes, I do all my shopping online. How did you know?"

I'm home, son! Did you bring me anything, dad? A new bike! Is it a Schwinn? If "Schwinn" is German for "Hallucination," yes!

A possible reason we don't see many rhino portraits.

'We make petites in large sizes.'

'Do you have a store detective on duty at the moment?'

'Only 5000 miles on the clock.'

"A fortnight's holiday in Spain, and you bring a gift of a measly pebble? Well, I suppose it's a change from a flippin' mug!"

'The web is a great educational tool for wine lovers. Right now, Jim is learning how much his brother spent on the bottle he gave for his birthday.'

"Remember, now. Don't buy this car just to please me."

'Apparently when she said she didn't want ANYTHING for Christmas I made the mistake of not hearing her say 'I want a crocodile skin attache case'.'

"The Finance Minister said it was okay."

'...two for next door, three for round the corner... nothing for us again.'

"Just as I thought! In small print it says our union newsletter was printed in Mexico!"

"Before you open it and check its not is stool sample!"