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"We began with a hip replacement and just sort of riffed off that."

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'Why are you giving me an allergy shot. Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-allergy shot?'

'You're grounded.'

'It's worse than I thought: the frog in your throat has a frog in its throat.'

"Angina, I've already had that. Can't I have something else?"

"Have you been suffering consternation?"

'Of course you don't feel any better. Two years ago I gave you six months to live. You do the math.'

'Medicare part C provides care for the headaches caused by parts A, B and D.'

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

'Take two asprin and stick your head in the the sand.'

'Just remember I told you you'd be discharged really fast after surgery!'

'We've decided to keep the hip, and replace the rest of you.'

'I'm afraid your complaining is chronic.' - 'I want a second opinion!!'

'85% recover with no complications, 60% of the remaining 15% will have a slower recovery rate, and the remaining 40% of the 15% may need additional treatment.'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Nobody's picking on you. The injections are to help you get well. I'm sure the nurses don't enjoy it any more than you."

'...instead of giving him morphine for his kidney stones, they are testing the healing power of laughter.'

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

'Bursitis.'

"You tested positive for being negative."

"Come quickly—I think I had an out-of-pocket experience."

'I guess I don't need to ask how your new hip is working out.'

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

Hospital gown pageant.

"The good news is it's the size of a baseball."

Gingerbread man in Emergency room.

'We tend to favour more traditional anaesthetic techniques here.'

'Eat some grass, and call me in the morning.'

'We'd prefer it if you got better.'

'Don't look at me! You're meant to be discharged!'

"It's arthritis. Probably caused from clinging to life."

Dear Medication, how are you? I'm feeling much better thanks to you?/ Finally she began responding to treatment.

"Phil, could I speak to you for a moment, not as your doctor but as your horse?"