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'I think he wants you to be quiet!'

"No plans set in stone yet, but I'll probably spend some time getting on my wife's last nerve, maybe hyperfocus on the lawn."

Dog retrieves slippers instead of birds.

"And when the extended warranty kicks in, we send you a big can of new car smell."

Emergency Underpants

Jesus meets the 'Little Drummer Boy' again later in life...

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

What's really in junk food...

"The size of your kidney stones are stupendous - they're kidney boulders!"

"Take us to your breeder!"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'No swimming. No breathing.'

The Age of Reptiles. . .

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

'Colin's dying to show you how his renewable energy scheme works.'

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

Oh yeh? Well at least he doesn't get fleas.

Little girl hoses down walkway as Santa slips and falls

'Tell your mom you coughed it up and you're guaranteed a day off from school.'

'Yes, it's just a little volume.'

Good Dentist ~ Bad Dentist

Wind turbine and leaf blower.

Lavatory Waterfall

"Teenagers! Everyone try to look cool!"

"Every abductee gets a souvenir mug."

Never give a cow a giant straw.

'You should work for Conglomo. You're allowed the vegetable of your choice.'

'Hey, mac, is this your idea of glasnost?'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

Shaman reads magazine entitled 'Witch Doctor'.

Pirate captain: 'I'm so embarrassed! I walked around all day with my swash unbuckled!'

Good stripper cop / Bad stripper cop