Furniture Protector T-Shirts

Couch on stilts so cats can't scratch it

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

"Enough of this. Let's go shred a sofa."

'We had him trained to stay off the furniture, right up until we gave up.'

"...P.S. Stay off the furniture!"

Banning Cats from the Furniture

"Trimmed, but not so much that I can't claw up the furniture."

'We've just been declawed and a new couch is delivered: Not a coincidence if you ask me...'

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

'You''ll just have to accept the fact that they're more concerned with their furniture than with you.'

'I'm sorry we ever had him declawed.'

'You're sitting in her chair,vicar!'

'Remember the good old days when he wasn't allowed on the furniture?'

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

"Wait, you've never tried destroying a sofa?!" "Dude, it's so much fun, and harmless." "You've tried catnip, right? Oh, but tons! You have to!" "Cat peer pressure"

'He just burst into my campsite, and broke my banjo!'

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

Fumes from furniture

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

'Having him declawed was a total was a total waste of money.'

"Don't invade his space."

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"This one I feel like protecting, the others I don't."

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

Art Theft

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

While you were out

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"