Funny Academia Fan Gifts

Book from the Library of Alexandria. Woman says: 'Have you seen how overdue this book is?'

"I'm going to prove that Math comes in handy later in life."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"There are no dumb questions, Billy, but there are plenty of dumb answers!"

'And in conclusion.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Books on running a successful school,

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

'If it makes you feel any better, I gave the kid you copied from the same grade.'

'But my mom says that 40 is the new 30.'

'There'll be a slight delay. The chef is cramming for his nutrition finals.'

'You've spent the last 20 years in college. What made you stop hiding from the real world?'

'What I don't understand, is how a guy named Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart stayed out of fights long enough to compose any music.'

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

Cave College: 'We offer two majors, Hunting and Gathering.'

"I dreamed I was being chased by a giant standardized test."

'That should be good for quite a few doctoral dissertations in the future.'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

"Why do I always get stuck with being the guardian angel to someone who can't seem to finish his Ph.D.?"

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

"Can't hear it at all, miss."