Funeral Preparations Gifts

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

He looks so natural lying there...

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"I got those famous last words you wanted"

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

Dead Man's Handel

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

Undertaker's Flower Box.

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

'You'd look good in that.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'