Arranging A Burial Gifts

"Well...in that case you could consider our eco burial."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

'You'd look good in that.'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

Bug Funerals

Go Now, Pay Later/Pay Now, Go Later!

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

O'Leary's Monuments

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."