Arranging A Burial Gifts

"Well...in that case you could consider our eco burial."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

'I tend to bury stuff.'

We think he's dead, but why don

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'You'd look good in that.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

Bug Funerals

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"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'