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Dead Man's Handel

Epitaph - Wine Connoisseur, complex, good nose, rather dry.

Suddenly, awkwardly, Andy realized he was snapping along to the funeral dirge.

'Thank you very much, but they don't want it inside. The deceased is allergic to flowers.'

"He wanted to be buried how he lived his life."

"Who'd have thought old Harry would turn out to be a vampire?"

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

"Well he was there a minute ago!"

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

Fisherman Funneral

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

"I think it's important to remember that he isn't gone forever. He's still alive. He just played a character on TV who died."

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

Bug Funerals

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

Bugs hold a candle-light vigil for fallen comrade while the old man responsible for his death is unrepentant.

"When Kevin walked into a room, he lit it up."

'Why is he always hanging around?'

'I thought new home prices had fallen.'

'When you said we were planting a bug, this isn't what I thought you had in mind."

"Pleasant Hill Funeral Home. Free Wi-Fi."

'I think he would have been pleased to know that I got his entire record breaking bungee jump on video.'

'There's no talking to him when he's like this.'

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

O'Leary's Monuments

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'We're not here to mourn, but to celebrate, because frankly, no-one is sorry to see him go...'