Funeral Contemplator Pillows

"He always was a hugger."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

Differing thoughts of male and female.

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

'You don't want to go to hell, J.B. In hell, the market is always down.'

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

'I understand the Adirondacks are where it's REALLY happening.'

'He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, who cares...'

"It's strange. I worked hard all my life and was a success at business and, funny thing, - I died anyways."

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

'But Mabel, I distinctly remember that the vicar said 'till death us do part...''

Alcohol 'Nector of the Gods' 'Devils Brew!'

Prayers For Agnostics

"He wanted to take his defense attorney with him so he could work out a deal at the other end."

"Should we just write them off as a tragic mistake..?"

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

...Uncle Edward's very near death experience...

'You know there were 7,184 waves yesterday. That's just slightly more than usual. I think that's one of my favorite things about island life, there's always a surprise round the corner. What's your favorite thing, Ed?'

Miracle gro bird seed.

"Yeah, you're right, these can cause long term health issues. But trust me, for you that's not gonna be a problem."

The Bookstore. Going out of business sale. Words failed me.

Really? A date with me is like a religious experience? How so? It reminds me of snake-handling.

Born Rich, Stayed Rich, Died Rich.

'Just a heads up. The 'Big Guy' is not a fan of religion.'

'You could at least have waited until I put on my make-up!'

"I just heard that when you die your social security checks stop!"

"Father, I would like to go to confession with you!"

'What do you mean I'm not allowed to be indifferent about the Olympics?'

"Hmmm... I've NEVER like Blue Oyster Cult..."

Funeral

An atheist arrives at the gates of heaven.