Friends Who Joke Pillows

Al, why do I always imagine I hear a question mark at the end of one of your passings of wind? Inquiring sphincters want to know.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

At the mobile tracking test lab.

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

Jane and Tarzan's wedding.

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

Acme Flyswatters.

A parrot business meeting

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

Pirated mirrors.

Robinia Floribunda

'Hank, you've got food on your face. No, no, other side.'

'You do realize that's just a giant novelty fork, right? They used to have one in the restaurant where I worked.'

No, it doesn't come furnished.

'Yes,your feet are still there!'

"Stop complaining...now when you wander off in the store, I can find you!"

I've got a gun.

"No father, when I say the man upstairs is angry, I mean my husband."

"'Sideboard'? I thought it said 'sideboob'."

'I was hurt in a boating accident. I tripped over a rack of oars at a sporting goods store.'

The usual?

Everything was fine until Becky's little sister decided to skip double.

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"Yep, that's a new sign: I've just finished my law-degree..."

Honey, hurry up, the baby-sitter's here...

Beware of Old Dogs Learning New Tricks