Fresh Start Skeptic Pillows

"I've decided to stop being one of those smug bastards who gives up something for New Year."

"This year I resolve to embrace change."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'If I've learned anything, it's believe half of what's in the newspapers, and even less of what's in your e-mail.'

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

"Our intelligencia said we will be outnumbered 100 to one, but that we can hope it's only fake news."

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

"Let's go to sleep so that when we wake up today will be tomorrow."

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. That's a relief! How much can they expect out of your on your first day?

"OK, I think we're pretty much back to square one. You can stop now."

"Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life."

I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to upgrade. Watch this! What are you doing? Looking at an ad for the new Mac laptop. My heart's not racing! What's wrong with me?! It is sleek.

I'm sorry, but I have to let you go, Harpic- the office is going open-plan.

Incredible

Russian war crimes

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

2020

"I've been expecting this...FAKE WEATHER!"

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

New Year baby

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Let's run away and make a new life for ourselves filled with completely different problems."

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

Turn on the news. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story. There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on Rocky Road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills. Who told you this? Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy.

I Can't Believe It's Not Fake News

'The market fell today because it needed to fail before it could succeed.'

"Phil, you've done a terrific job of reinventing yourself...but we see here you're still just patent pending."

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding

If I could find my coat, I'd leave!