Freelancer Philosopher T-Shirts

"I tried being my own boss, but my wife got jealous."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

'There's no art to the mind's construction on Facebook, Macbeth.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

Career Elevator

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

'You'll have to decide - do you want to be top management in a small pond, or bottom management in a big pond?'

'Actually I only do this on weekends.'

Personnel. I figure since every boss tells you to forget everything you learned in school, not learning anything to begin with puts me ahead of the pack.

30% Heredity, 70% Environment

'So much effort to meet me? Man, you just should have visited my website!'

There's got to be more to life than just sitting at a desk...

"Daddy will give back your paintball gun as soon as he’s made his definitive statement on the nature of existence."

'Well, you're bankrupt, but look on the bright side -- it only cost you eight dollars per transaction!'

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

'I started out as one of the good guys but I hated it.'

"So what books didn't you get around to reading during lockdown?"

"Read the comments, boss. . . we should rename the whole thing from 'social media' to 'antisocial media'."

"I want to tell her I love her and let her know I'm careful with money."

'Will that be for here or to go - and if it's to go, can you take me with you?'

'Ever stop to consider we live in a gated community?'

"Oh yeah? Well, your dad makes more, but my dad's not stuck in a high-paying job he hates but is too scared to leave."

"A thirst for knowledge, …. That was another of my great thirsts."

Presidential Medal of Freedom

Freedom

'We can't offer you the satisfaction of a gratifying career, but how does a paid week off and dental sound?'

'It is our hope that the salary this job offers will take your mind off it's meaninglessness.'