Fortune-seeking Legal Eagle Pillows

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"White Collar Prison"

"Just one more outburst and I can have this chicken tenderized."

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

'I think its being tapped.'

Judge getting hair done.

'Your Honor, permission to abandon the strict, upstanding, fiduciary responsibilities of my profession for a chance at fleeting personal, carnal gratification?'

I'm representing Rudy in your relationship discussions. It's common sense. It will enable both parties to not get too emotional. You're trying to prevent emotion from bleeding into a relationship discussion. Check. Dumbest thing I've ever heard! Calm down.

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

'Sir, this chicken is improperly dressed!'

"I'm your court-appointed attorney, but I'm really an interior decorator."

"The Attorney's Lunch—may I hear the warranty again?"

'... the party of the first part is to give the party of the second part ...'

'I'm on my way to court. What tie goes well with a guilty plea?'

'I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to five years, but you have been a beautiful defendant.'

'There'll be a two-hour recess while I get my hair done.'

'They were about to reach a verdict until they heard ...'

"When I'm with you, Miss Lawson, the billable hours just fly by."

Due Diligence Man

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card coudl you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me...or take out a sexual harassment suit!"

Computer Aided Divorce.

'I was an attorney but that fizzled out. Apparently I couldn't distinguish between legal and illegal.'

Barristers playing children's games during the long vacation

"You're charged with blowing the roof off, bringing the house down, and totally killing it. How do you plead?"

"Melanie, find me a little pro-bono case to cleanse my palate."

"Please, just give the boy his pocket money!"

Sue the Author: 1pm-3pm

I think you need to recuse yourself from this trial, your honor. I plan to flirt with this witness, and you're much too handsome to compete with.

"Your honor, allow me to introduce Fluffy Pants, my support cat."

The attorney's Blue-Plate special: Red Snapper, embroiled in a hot legal dispute.

"My client is completely rehabilitated, Your Honor, in a grabass sort of way."