Former Athlete Gifts

'I batted cleanup, I was the R.B.I. king, the go-to guy...then the boss said no more sports metaphors.'

Former Wrestlers: "Think of it this way....you made weight, again."

'You do realize you're no longer a pro athlete and there is no preseason to work out the kinks, don't you?'

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

I like the Jets...I guess

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

"Portrait of a Lady"

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

'I love your cardiovascular system!'

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

Yearbook

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

'Of course I'm on the pull - I'm a cricketer.'

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

'Hang in there, Larry, those endorphins will soon kick in.'

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"I don't believe I've missed a single sign since you made the switch to Power Point."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Bullseye!

Monica Seles

31. 19. 55.7.

A married couple share the same pole vault.

"Damn those dugout Martinis!"

'Gee, you beat Roger again!'

Bringing Your Child To The Bicycle Race

'Why couldn't you throw like that in the game?'