Foodie Shows T-Shirts

'Even widescreen struggles to fit them in.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

"Then add one extra large egg..."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Bake off: Flan B

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

Woman watching cookery show on TV while cooking a microwave meal.

Michel Roux Jr

Guy Fieri

"This is why the doc said to not binge-watch the Eating Channel!"

The Emeril Isle

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

'Here's one I nicked earlier.'

Emeril Lagasse

Mary Berry

Loyd Grossman

'This week, the secret ingredient on Iron chef is . . . Iron. Good luck, suckas.'

'Gentlemen, put your money away. When it comes to killing TV chefs, I work for free.'

'Ready, steady, Operate'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

"I should have never let you watch those cooking shows on TV!"

"Hurry, dear, it's the Brutal Gourmet."

Turkey under mistletoe with sign that says: 'Kiss your ass goodbye'.

Flight Crew Holiday Treats

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app