Food Snob Critique Gifts

"The people next door eat a lot better."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

Another reason farm raised fish aren't as healthy as wild ones.

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

An art director eats: 'Waiter! Does this lettuce say 'salad' to you?'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'The Entrecote a la Bordelaise? It's stuff on a plate.'

Inappropriate garnish.

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'A sandwich?'

'There's nothing good to eat!'

When Gordon Ramsay gets re-incarnated as a fly.

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

'Are you sure this is a good restaurant, Frank?'