Food Review Gifts

"We can only hope he's not the Times' new food man."

'Trading Standards...'

"You asked for the soup of the day, you didn't specify what day."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

6 Brothers Falafel

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Rump roast?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Needs salt!'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

Pastry Hat

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

Hashimoto's Restaurant - Sushi Like Mother Used to Make!

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."