Food Intolerance Manager Gifts

She's just discovered her IBS isn't caused by chocolate!

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

'Snap, crackle, help! I'm lactose intolerant!'

"Mouse? No. They contain cheese and I'm lactose intolerant."

The Nihilist Deli.

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"Dad, did you know Tia Carmen got a job at my school cafeteria?"

"I changed my mind - I don't want any shredded cheese on my salad."

"We can serve a rare handburger, but because of health regulations, this room will have to be heated to 160 degrees."

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

'Use by June 2007. Gah' - 'Use by July 2007. Double gah.' - 'Best of a bad bunch...'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

Gluten-free Santa

'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

Chef swatting flies into a bowl in a sushi bar.

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

Squirrel in tree with t-shirt saying ''may contain nuts.'

"Everything on the menu can be prepared with no gluten, standard gluten, or extra gluten."

"It says it's 100% ground beef. Only bones, brains, butts and eyeballs. Absolutely no pink slime added..."

"This cat has got to go on a diet...he weighs 78 pounds!"

'Why on Earth would you ask if this turkey is genetically modified?'

"No, we don't sell gluten-free gluten."

Mash-test Dummies.

Gluten-Free Church

'The food inspector, Sir!'

"He's allergic to peanuts, sensitive to wheat, lactose-intolerant, and just plain weirded out by fruit."

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

'What did you find in your soup?'

"Are there nuts in this?"

Food Uncertainty

The food inspector

Your friend, Ernie, is an impressive, multi-talented guy! He's been a actor in the theater, in archeologist, and now he's a diplomat! He hasn't been any of those things. He used to install doors. Oh, he told me he was "applauded for his entrances." And he was an inspector, book for expired yogurt, at the dairy warehouse. He said he "searcher for ancient cultures." Now he sells mattresses. You think he's a diplomat? Yeah, he told me he's "devoted to eliminating unrest in the world"

"Freeze! We're taking a look at your additives, preservatives, artificial coloring..."