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'You and your 'an apple a day keeps eviction away'...'

The drugs budget needs cutting, so Mrs Miggins will be seeing what she can provide using frogspawn and twigs.'

'Turns out it was starve a cold, feed a fever.'

Super-Tia makes Mal de Ojo undo its curse!

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

Jesus's First and Less-Heralded Miracle Walk,

New Age Store.

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'Interesting presentation Bradley, except you were supposed to be discussing the nature of the DOW.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"I'm sensing a nostalgia for when your mother rubbed butter on them."

'...Stop trying to funk it up.'

'Take two of these, and call me in the morning!'

'I've got an appointment with Mr. Payne.' - 'He'll see you now.' - 'Okay, take a deep br-' - 'Gah!' - 'Great, now turn ov-' - 'Argh!' - 'And a final tw-' - 'Mummy!' - '*Sob*' - 'Okay, all done.' - 'Did you, by any chance...' - '...hear you crying...'

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

Acupuncture - "So two hundred needles stuck into my fags will help me quit smoking, will it?"

"Lately my joints are stiff." "You're rollin' 'em too tight. Try vaping."

An unlicensed acupuncturist

Man passes Holistic Health Clinic and sees Holistic Donuts.

'And just where did you study medicine?'

"I thought you said you were dating a rich doctor!"

"Sergio, we don't have to spend so much money on health insurance."

'This prescription will stimulate your funny bone which will cause you to laugh. We both know that laughter is the best medicine.'

Chicken soup is in an intravenous drip.

Acupressure Gauge

"If you ask me, your Christmas gift return policy is too liberal."

"Here, let me put some ointment on your bug bite. I made it myself from cayenne powder, licorice root and mugwort leaves blended with that vanilla pudding I made last week. Hmm...it's not here."

"The pharmacist will be with you shortly to answer any questions that you have."

"Look at this: Acupuncture, aromatherapy, herbal tea. We could be dealing with a homoeopathic killer."

'I was hoping you could fix it with homeopathy.'

'Can you keep a secret? This particular remedy is illegal in 49 states.'