Flood Fixer Pillows

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

"We'll always have Paris..."

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

Lazy plumber.

'Don't worry, the first 30 years of dealing with emergency plumbing problems are the hardest.'

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

"I told you we needed deeper foundations!"

Planning for flooding - 'Well, we'll cross that bridge when come to it.'

Philip Nye – cycle chiropractor

"I bit someone once, but It was just to establish credibility."

"We have to recognise that severe weather events are becoming more common. . ."

'I'm building an ark because the polar ice caps are melting.'

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Whoa. Jeff. You snagged your sweater."

"Yes, Mr. Willis, it's definitely rising damp."

Chelsea flower show sewage

"Ned is getting ready for the oceans to rise."

'If you can smile when everything around you is going wrong... you're probably in the repair business!'

Marriage counselor clients: 'Always right,,,never wrong'

'Should we upgrade the levees or just go hydroponic?'

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

"Actually we were hoping for something a little more sensible..."

'Is the drain still clogged, Henry?'

'It's the plumber ... '

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

'It's a very nice house, when the tide is out.'

"Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again - or pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with it?"

"That's not the real me."

Master Plumber