Flood Fixer Pillows

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

"We'll always have Paris..."

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

"I can see our house from here."

Lazy plumber.

'Don't worry, the first 30 years of dealing with emergency plumbing problems are the hardest.'

Forgot your locker combination? Let Sammy the weasel pick it open for you!

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

"I told you we needed deeper foundations!"

Planning for flooding - 'Well, we'll cross that bridge when come to it.'

Philip Nye – cycle chiropractor

"We have to recognise that severe weather events are becoming more common. . ."

'I'm building an ark because the polar ice caps are melting.'

"I bit someone once, but It was just to establish credibility."

"Whoa. Jeff. You snagged your sweater."

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Yes, Mr. Willis, it's definitely rising damp."

Chelsea flower show sewage

"Ned is getting ready for the oceans to rise."

Honey, wake up

'If you can smile when everything around you is going wrong... you're probably in the repair business!'

Marriage counselor clients: 'Always right,,,never wrong'

'Should we upgrade the levees or just go hydroponic?'

"Actually we were hoping for something a little more sensible..."

'It's the plumber ... '

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

'Is the drain still clogged, Henry?'

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

"That's not the real me."

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

Master Plumber

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'