Flirty Funster Pillows

'Woof woof.' - 'I thought it was against company policy to have animals in the office.'

'It's not much of a present, is it?'

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"I was almost that last year."

Cheeze Wiz.

"I told you. . . use your inside miming."

"Forget the allowance - I need a benefactor!"

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

With Grandpa it was often a game of hide and sleep.

'The puppy just downloaded on your computer keyboard.'

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

The Horse Jump - One girl makes it over, the other is cover in leaves.

'Look. A mom with a handy carrying case.'

'He takes after your mother' (colour)

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

"A raise? You want me to give you a raise? Do I look like f*ckin' Santa Claus?"

"We can do it on the net now... so it's off to the knackery for you."

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"How do you like my 'Pop art'?"

Pirates

"The amendments are coming next week!"

'No honey, you can't sell him on ebay.'

'Look, honey, the baby's got your mouth.'

'Not beans on toast again.' - 'No, toast on beans. I dropped it.'

Leopards do change their spots

'Congratulations Mrs Marrow, it's a courgette.'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

Santa Randy was fired and Santa Claus got the job.

"You spoil that boy."

'Did you know that turkeys and dinosaurs are closely related? Meet my cousin, Lenny!'

'I'm still working on my novel. In the meantime, and this is between you and me, I make ends meet by writing all those cat memes you see on Facebook.'

The TROU of the Baroque

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."